“Honey, we need to talk.”
A cold draft flitted through the closed window panes. The floor began to creak unnaturally under its own weight. Milk curdled in the fridge and the crystalline surface of my coffee started to ripple in my mug. Hell had frozen over and the warm tendrils of fresh defecation caressed the whirling blades of the ceiling fan.
“I think we should talk about us,” Shelby continued, unfettered by the ravaging hurricane she had just brought into being. “About our,” she hesitated, but only slightly, “our bedroom situation.”
I was taken aback, dumbfounded. Had I not provided for her? She had told me, on more than one occasion, that was generous. She’d even used the word “magical”, “best”. Had she been lying this whole time? Had the hysteria she expressed in the throes of passion been merely a facade? An act? In these past years, had she been fellating only my ego?
“I’m just not feeling it anymore.” She had all but confirmed my inarticulable anxiety. I was crushed, emasculated, as a man and as a lover. She sensed my dismay and clambered on, her words soft and unsure. “I mean, it used to be good.” A glimmer of hope, but the damage was done. “But over time, things just got… y’know.” I tried to gather myself, thinking of what had gone wrong. Where did I fail as the object of her desire, her muse? “Maybe we’ve just fallen into the same routine?” Could that be the case? If we had fallen into routine, the the pleasure should be lost on both of us. Or perhaps I have lost the sensation; perhaps I have hedonically and naively let my self fall astray from the truth of pleasure itself, letting my carnal passions revert to their animalistic origins. I had become a satiable savage.
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” she said reassuringly. Something clicked in my mind. Sure, she was most likely making an attempt to save me from the humiliation through which I was currently suffering. But, there was the small possibility that she was right. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t her fault, either. It was simply a problem of incompatibility.
“I don’t know what to do,” she continued to bemoan. “I love you, and I want to make this work. I mean, maybe we could try new things?” I had heard horror stories, tales of couples in a predicament not unlike our own who ventured out into the forest of sexual depravity. They searched for a rekindling of romance, but what they had found only made them fearful and wary. They alienated each other, and they deserted themselves. These were cautionary tales, hyperboles that I had no interest in pursuing. If only there was a way to renew our desires without losing the foundations of our carnal actions. A sort of update.
And then it hit me. Like a pudgy fist to the beak of a thieving seagull, an idea came to my mind.
I leaped up and clasped Shelby within my outstretched arms in ecstasy and euphoria. She stiffened at my sudden action, her eyes widening and her heartbeat quickening in pace.
“You’re a genius!” I proclaimed as I planted my lips against hers. With little protest, she returned the kiss and we embraced for a maladroit moment.
“Take off your pants,” I breathed as we tore apart and I fell back to my place on the sofa.
“What?” Shelby almost immediately retorted. “Did you not listen to what I just said?” The shock of my unsolicited affection was replaced by disdain for my unsolicited request. Her mouth curled into a scowl. Her brow furrowed, wrinkling in the middle. The darkness of fatigue appeared under her eyes. For a brief moment, her visage resembled that of her bitch mother.
I opened my laptop as Shelby stood, her weight on one leg and her hands on her hips. A stray lock of hair fell over her eyes that had now reserved themselves to an interpretation of pure, unadulterated hatred, and she made no move to brush it aside as she usually did in her playful, flirtatious manner. I typed the website Java.com into Chrome’s address bar and waited the milliseconds it took for the page to be delivered before my eyes.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Shelby asked, her voice cracking in rage. I brushed away her question the same way she doesn’t brush her teeth before going to bed and reached for the USB cable sitting on the particleboard IKEA side table.
I plugged one end of the USB cable to the laptop while clicking on the Downloads page. I quickly reached up and curled my fingers around the buckle of Shelby’s belt. With one swift move, I pulled my wife, shrieking, into my lap. I wrapped the other end of the USB cable around my middle finger and, with a kiss on the cheek for reassurance, plunged my hand into the front of Shelby’s designer jeans.
“What the fuck!” she squealed and thrashed, kicking the air and elbowing my sternum. Her hair whipped across my face and found its way into my eyes and mouth. I tried to ignore her and moved the USB cable to its mark.
The kicking and the wriggling stopped. Shelby fell silent, and then limp in my arms. I took a deep breath and waited.
The laptop let out a faint ring to indicated that the installation was complete. Shelby silently pulled at the cord until its end emerged from her pants. She dropped the cable and turned to me slowly. Her messy hair fell over her face and, through the blonde streaks, I could see a flirtatious smile course her lips and a flicker of desire that I hadn’t seen in years light up her eyes. She brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear, and leaned in close to me. One hand rested on my stomach while the other found its way to the back of my neck. She pulled me close, and I could see my reflection in her emerald eyes. Without a word, just her coy smile, she kissed me softly. She wove her fingers into my hair and the kiss intensified. She repositioned herself with her legs on either side of mine and moved the weight of her body over me. She broke the kiss, and I found my lips quivering slightly. My vision had blurred, but I could still feel Shelby’s bright green eyes piercing my soul.
“I love you,” she whispered. Her words danced through the warm air between our faces and flitted like a symphony of sweet silence into my ears.
Then we totally did butt stuff. It was awesome.
“Honey, we need to talk.”